Thank God for wonderful friends. Siying, Sa, qs, Mitch, ford, kiran, nithya…
Without them I’d be a wreck. A screwed up wreck.
Don’t
Hope only brings you up to higher ground, and then drops you in an instant, shattering you. Don’t bother, seriously.
Valentine (with apologies to Carol Ann Duffy)
Not a romantic sunset or a candlelight dinner.
I give you a piece of shiny glass.
It is a crystal polished to smooth perfection
It promises transparency
like the very essence of love.
Look.
It will blind you with startling brightness
like a newfound love.
It will distort your vision
making what you see not what it really is.
I am trying to be truthful.
Not a love letter or a romantic conversation on the telephone.
I give you a piece of shiny glass.
Its sharp touch stains your hands with red,
a lingering hurt
as love is,
for as long as it is.
Let it in.
Its shiny surface shatters,
breaking after time.
Suffocating.
Its tiny shards will enclose you,
no place to hide.
Vermisst du mich? Nein? Es geht… Ich nicht vermisse dich.
Waiting for that one text, one call, one gesture of warmth, affection, love, that never arrives. Always waiting, hoping. Was it my fault in the first place, for guarding my heart too well? But the subsequent baring of my heart has been neglected, nay, even trampled upon. I say fuck it. I’ve never felt more alone. With a boyfriend who is cold, distant and aloof eighty per cent of the time, I feel like I fell for a dark abyss. Unreasonable, emotionally demanding, paranoid? I don’t think so. Look in the mirror, look into your eyes, tell me if you really care. Tell me if you even do remember me. Tell me if you can or cannot see the effort I put in, the affection and warmth and love I give to you, without any expectation, unconditionally. But I’ve come to expect more than just indifference, or at best, affection that lasts for a day, fleeting affection. This is not good enough. You either step up, or you lose me. But then again, I’m not sure if you even care about me. See how this is? It’s so funny it’s not even funny anymore. I don’t even know if you, Caine, even fuckin give a damn about me. Or maybe I’m the one who cares too much? I struggle against sleep each night even though I’m so fuckin sick just to read your message, a message that never comes. I can’t even talk to you, because I can never get through. You have that wall too, my dear. I got rid of mine, only to feel the hurt. I say, look at yourself, look at us. I’m not happy.
Dejection.
Caine’s right. I should have just stayed out of the whole thing right from the very start.
Can you take me as I am, the way I take you as you are?
The Knight of Chalices card reversed suggests that you might feel helpless, victimized or vulnerable, or that you may be emotionally unavailable or depressed because of romantic disappointment. Perhaps envisioning a romantic fairy-tale may prove to be an unsustainable illusion, or you might feel manipulated or lonely due to insecurities over your own identity. You may need to wake up, get real and get out of a dream world or fantasy. Learn how to express or rescue yourself.
I wish I could be your angel.
Sometimes it hurts. You probably don’t know, but yes, sometimes it hurts the way you are, the way we are. I take you as you are, can you do the same for me? I don’t think you do, nor can you…
Ich vermisse dich.
Sontag.
I used to believe in happily ever afters. Do you believe in happily ever after?
Fairytales should be banned. They give you false hope about that princess or prince who will come along to sweep you off your feet. Life doesn’t quite work out the way fairytales do. There’s no happily ever after. There’s only happily ever… now. There’s no such thing as everlasting love, happiness or peace that continues indefinitely after the moment you feel that there’s everlasting love, happiness or peace. It’s all a big scam, to make you feel like love can conquer all, just so you’ll continue living this life.
If you take the remote possibility of everlasting love, happiness or peace out of the equation of life, what do you live for? ‘Cause, everlasting love, happiness or peace is, to me, a whole big scam perpetuated to keep the people sedated.
I am oh so cynical now. But I can tell you, love doesn’t conquer all. It may conquer you, me, everyone, by controlling our actions and reactions, but it doesn’t change anything, it just changes the way we react.
Cynical mood dissipating now. I want a vampire boyfriend just like Edward Cullen. I want to be as innocent and naive and hopeful as Bella Swan.
Idiosyncracies
I have threeeeeeeee blogs. And I don’t know what possessed me to get three.
but still, this blog’s got the most memories inked typed.
